Choosing Order Over Clutter

Today marks the second day of Blogmas. Fifteen days of my thoughts, with some Christmas cheer sprinkled in.

For the past few hours, I have been reorganizing my room. Each day I skip between going to work, my internship, the gym, running, and sleeping. This leads to a lot of clothes on the floor and random trash in every crevice. It's miserable. I trip on obnoxious items, and even being around them stresses me out. It stresses me out to the point where I don't want to deal with it. It makes it difficult to find peace when the one area that I can truly say is mine is cluttered and causes overwhelming feelings.

It overwhelms me because it brings all of my responsibilities to the forefront. My sweaty gym clothes on the floor, my work apron and shirts spilling out, and my internship badge and vest slowly shifting underneath my dresser. It all stares me in the face, and it harshly tells me all of the things I should be doing and working on instead of relaxing.

If there is something that needs to be done, I won't allow myself to fully relax. It might be a mix of both my conscious and subconscious mind. I will give a few examples to help demonstrate how my mind works. If I work later in the day, I try not to plan for anything a few hours ahead of it, just in case anything goes wrong or because I will worry about making it on time. Sure, I will have those couple of hours to relax, but I don't since I have other things to think about. I almost think that if I allow myself to fully relax, I will slip up and make mistakes. Maybe something like being late to work or forgetting to pack a lunch. Another example is having schoolwork to work on; if I don't have it done, I won't be able to relax. Almost like a needle poking into my side; it stings and remains uncomfortable. Sometimes I look into the future and think about when the next time I will have a break and be able to fully relax. It doesn't seem to be anytime soon. It makes me sad. I love being a put-together person with responsibilities; I just can't help wanting a break. It's human nature. We continuously wish to have that next upcoming break or reward. What if that break becomes forever prolonged? What if I get stuck in this loop of working and pushing? Only time will tell. I'm choosing to take it one day at a time; as long as I choose a clear, calm mind and a heart that follows the light, then it will come.