Making Her Proud

Today marks the seventh day of Blogmas. Fifteen days of my thoughts, with some Christmas cheer sprinkled in.

I've been told that I am a humble but confident person. One of the biggest compliments I've received is that it's the way I carry myself that draws people to me. Would you believe me when I said I wasn't always like this?

When I was younger, I carried myself with kindness, and sure, I was outgoing then too, but it wasn't the same as it is now. I was backed with a lot of nerves, questioning each move I made and feeling insecure about my abilities. I felt dumb and undeserving. I felt I didn't deserve friends, and I didn't deserve to eat some days. It sounds dark, but sometimes the truth is dark. I truly do believe that comparison is the thief of joy. I would look at my curls and despise them because I wanted straight hair. I also despised my smile and the way I presented myself; I felt that I was annoying. Little old thirteen-year-old me hating on myself every chance I got, it's why looking at those pictures of myself pains me. I can feel how she felt in those moments.

I honestly couldn't tell you when the change started to take place in my mindset. To show the difference and the growth, I will include quotes taken from journals I have kept over the years.

September 26th, 2023

I feel too strongly, I'm too loud. I need to just stop bothering anyone. All my problems aren't big enough, I'm just dramatic and dumb.

October 4th, 2023

It's all too much. I can't even drive without thinking people are judging me.

January 5th, 2024

I'm working on changing my mindset to I can do anything and failing is okay.

June 4th, 2025

Reflecting on today, I am feeling incredibly grateful. I am making these changes to my life because I'm realizing that I deserve to want to live life and have fun.

A couple of years ago, I truly didn't feel deserving, and I even felt undeserving of everything, so much so that I didn't want to be here. I had to start looking into myself and start looking at the facts. How am I dumb if I get perfect test scores and have an understanding of different topics? How am I dramatic if I don't talk badly about others or talk about myself all of the time? How am I too loud if I engage in conversation with others? The things that the voice in my head was feeding me weren't matching the realities that I was seeing. Once I started picking up on this, I let those walls that had been constructed start crumbling, and it became easier to appreciate the true things about myself. I started to focus on my actions rather than my mind's attempts at making me dislike who I was. I was going to be the kindest person I could and show that my heart was far greater than my faults.

As I allowed my perception of myself to become positive, it grew in other aspects too. I began to see the beauty in my unique attributes, whether it came to my smile, my locks of curls, or the shape of my silhouette. I realized that if I saw every other being as beautiful, then why wasn't I allowed to be deemed beautiful? I am a mere combination of the generations that came before me. Who am I to call any of them ugly or undeserving of love? As I believed in myself and my abilities, my chin lifted higher, and I started to walk proudly. Knowing that I am the person I always dreamed myself to be, I just hadn't realized that it was there the whole time. My vision was fogged, and I couldn't see what was in front of me. A kind soul who deserved to shine the entire time.

I carry myself with great confidence because my younger self never deserved to feel that way, and she certainly never deserved having to deal with that nagging voice every second of every day. Having the light drained from her eyes and that once beautiful smile, I smile big and bright for her.